"Showing Up..." (Out of Hiding)

This one is looooong. But if you wonder: 1. Where I’ve been..., and 2. How my bike got totaled... you’ll want to read the whole thing. Thank you for understanding.

Sometimes I go into hiding... because I’m afraid, embarrassed, ashamed or I just don’t think what I have to say is all that important. That’s where I’ve been for a while, but today, I’m showing up and being MYSELF in the midst of a lot of “stuff” that I’ve allowed to distract me from telling all of my story. Even with my wife and so many friends asking me to tell others about my journey, I’ve been stalling. Why? I think because there are parts that are amazing (and exciting to tell) and some feel like failures (which I often attach shame to), and I’m struggling (but learning) how to “show up” fully in the midst of both... so that I learn from both... and celebrate both. Deep down inside, I know THAT is the place God has me - a place of surrender... and where trust, character and faith are being forged.

Over the last few months I’ve had some dreams that have been rather disturbing. I share this one with you because it has helped me learn some things about myself and the bad places I go in my mind at times. Here’s the one from Wednesday, June 7, 2006:

It was an enclosed (almost dungeon-like) container that a woman and I were brought into by a man we didn’t know. There were two bodies lying on the floor wrapped up like mummies. They seemed lifeless, yet I knew they were still alive, though very weak and helpless. Their bodies also seemed as if they were rotting there in their wrappings. The man who took us into the container said that we didn’t want to get into the wet spot around them, because that was where they had relieved themselves and it had soaked through and onto the floor all around them. At that moment I could smell the awful smell of urine and waste. It turned my stomach. I seemed to feel like I was in trouble or being punished to be here in this place. I also felt as if I was just visiting the place to see it for some reason. The container was hot and stuffy, and seemed to be totally enclosed with wooden slats and old rags in the joints, but you could still see small rays of light through the cracks. At the same time, it also seemed like I could walk outside to a green grassy wooded area that was just off one side of the dungeon-like container. I liked it better in the wooded area... and wanted to stay there. From the wooded area, I could see Michelle and Caeden (my wife and son) on the 2nd floor of a very nice air-conditioned building, playing on a bed. It was white, clean and comfortable – totally opposite from the container. She couldn’t see me, or at least hadn’t noticed me, so I thought I’d whistle to get her attention. But I felt that by doing so, I’d be in trouble so I didn’t whistle. I also thought that I could call her from here (like a call home from a hotel room), so that made it seem not so bad being here... as long as I could call her. Then the man started wrapping up the girl that had came in with me. She didn’t like that at all and squirmed hard. She was almost wrapped up when she kicked so hard that she loosened the wraps a little from her legs. Before this time, I didn’t realize I would be next to be wrapped up. Then it hit me, this meant that I couldn’t be in the nice wooded area, or see my wife and son, or call them, and that I would be wrapped up in this hot container, with no fresh air on my face, sweating and in my own human waste. It was a gross thought and I panicked and started yelling, “No – don’t wrap me up! Please! Please! Don’t wrap me up!” At the same time, the girl was still squirming and yelled to the man, “I’ll change! I’ll change!”, as if that would keep her from being wrapped up and allow for her freedom. Then he held her firmly and said with a deep and serious tone, “We have a motto down here... CHANGE DOESN’T EXIST!” Then I woke up.

As I told Michelle the morbid dream, she asked what I thought it meant. I remember the feelings that were going on in me as I told her about the dream: All I thought was, “Would she have to look at me through the 2nd story window, in her cool and comfortable place and watch me suffer in the container, laying there in all my crap and waste, trapped and unable to talk to her or be released? That would be miserable for her, not being able to do anything about it and freaking out to do all she could to have me released and cleaned up.” As I wrote this in my journal that morning, I asked God to show me what this dream meant and what I needed to learn. This is what I got:

When I believe that I am not able to change, I am held captive and wrapped up in my ugly state of helplessness and crap... not being able to live fully and barely live at all, in the most foul smelling containment of torture possible. And by my belief in that lie... I am actually the one leading myself into the dungeon... wrapping myself up with wraps that really don’t exist themselves—except for the fact that I think they do. My lies (illusions) actually takes life away from myself and others, and the sad thing about it, is that I hold the power to change and free myself by believing the truth that I can change. Everything can change—and I don’t have to be wrapped up and left to die in my own crap. That’s not what I was meant for... yet so many times I allow the lies to be lived out as if they were true. I believe that life is all about personal change... freedom... love... possibility... hope... newness... joy... peace... and everything is possible and actually waiting for me to just receive it. Yes... JUST RECEIVE IT. I have to recognize the lie--as a lie. Believe only what is true. Daily live completely free... free from bondage and free to really live the life I was meant to live. So, I choose to live my dreams... not in a nightmare in an existence held tight to a dungeon of lies.

I have found that by identifying and exposing the lies with someone who loves and supports me, is a great way to deal with them. I’ll share some of my personal ones so that you can see what lies torment me and constantly try to keep me hidden, so that I don’t “show up” for myself, family or anyone else. As I tell you these, I acknowledge that they are lies, while admitting that they often feel very REAL. This is my struggle. Maybe by sharing some of mine, you can identify some of your own... so that we, as a community growing together, can walk our journeys released to live life to the full... a life of abundance.

My lies...

“God is failing you. You chose to follow him in this life calling and it’s not working out. This is just a nasty trick He’s been playing on you.”

“You’ve gotten yourself too deep... and bankruptcy is the only way out... then you still won’t have enough to pay for necessities.”

“If you tell people where you are financially and your debt level, people will judge you as a failure, which you really are.”

“You are not a good life coach, don’t know how to market it and it shows by the lack of clients you get and that stay with you.”

“You can’t provide for your family and it will cause you to loose everything, including your home.”

“You need to go get a job...cause life coaching isn’t paying off.”

“You aren’t enough in what you do... so go do something else that you can do.”

“You will have to sell even more stuff to try to keep the bills paid... and it still won’t be enough.”

“All the stuff breaking recently, like: garage door; car’s water pump; shifter knob (held in place by rubber bands); Durango’s Cruise control; A/C duct work needed; bad siding; and Tires going bald... with no money in site to repair them, is all a sign that it’s getting worse, and you are getting even further behind.”

“Your credit cards will all be maxed out in less than a month and you will have to go the way of bankruptcy.”

“You will not get enough back from the insurance for your bike that was just ‘totaled’, so you won’t be able to get a good replacement one or you will have to use the money to keep your lights on and bills paid... and without a bike you can’t lead rides.”

“You don’t act on the ideas you have... and you never will... therefore give up now.”

Well, you get the idea. We are in debt--way in over our heads. We have lived on credit cards to keep us going while we birthed Freedom Life Consulting, and now 2 years later, we still are not making enough to keep going on like this and doing this as our only income. Therefore we are asking God to show us what He has in mind. If this means we coach people at night and on weekends while we work other jobs, we are willing to do that. Even though that just feels so wrong (in our hearts), so we’ve left this as the last resort. We have hung in there for so long and we are exhausted. We kept thinking that it would pick up and be different, but each month it was more of the same. Michelle has recently taken on a new business (from our home) with her mom that involves finding notes that people need to sell and matching them with investors who will purchase them at a discount rate. She would get a commission on the deal. To top things off, during the second Pilgrimage Ride, while on the way home from the hill country, my motorcycle was totaled in an accident, after a car pulled out in front of me at about 35 mph. Thank God I walked away from the accident, which is a miracle in itself. That was 4 weeks ago, and I don’t know what the results will be on the settlement. When I get alone with God... I hear him saying to me that “All is well”. My coach, Jim Spivey says the same... calling this a “Sacred place” we are in, and for a greater reason than we can see at the moment (which by the way--feels true), yet we haven’t gotten a clear word from God what we are to do... so it just feels like we are in limbo.

So, there you have it. I’ve showed up. Told the truth... and waiting expectantly to discover our next steps. Please pray for us. You are welcome to share anything you may feel you are supposed to share with us. But please, don’t feel sorry for us. We know that we will not always be in this place... and that when we are on the other side of this... it will all make sense and we will completely get the amazing messages within this whole journey. Until then... we will remain faithful to our calling and surrendered to whatever He has in store for us.

PS. This reminds me of a verse from the Bible that says:
“You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for. You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.” Matthew 5:3-8, the Message Bible

God, I’m listening, surrendered and becoming more and more aware of the sacredness of this journey and the intimacy we share. Thank you for your nearness on this journey... and the path you have led me (us) on. I rest in you alone. ~ Amen

I love you all! ~ Dave E. Anderson, Motorcycle Life Coach

PS... stay tuned to future blogs about two amazing Pilgrimage Rides I took to North Carolina (through 7 states) and to the Hill Country of Texas.

www.FreedomLifeConsulting.com
www.PilgrimageRide.com