“Broke” Down

Last night at 11:30 PM, the Durango broke down on busy Hwy. 99 (in Houston) - with Michelle, our 8-week-old son Caeden and myself. This vehicle has never broken down... So what the heck? I put it in neutral, worked the gas, but unfortunately it stalled and would not restart. The fuel gauge indicated that I still had 9 miles until empty...so, I couldn’t be out of gas. Here I was stuck in the far right lane of a 3 lane highway, and couldn’t steer it off the road because of the curb that was there. Cars were zooming past us, changing lanes just in time to miss us, but way to close for us to stay here and wait for help. So while Michelle called our friend Gary Rude for help, I lit a flare, put it in the road and pushed the Durango 30-40 yards till Michelle could steer it off the road to a safe place to wait. (Thank you Gary for coming to our rescue) And wouldn’t you know it, it started after putting in some gas... so my “break down” was just me ...running out of gas.

Well, that was the last straw, adding to all the other ways I was running out of gas emotionally and mentally. Ten minutes earlier, when we left from the Rude’s house for our weekly “Wild at Heart Couples” gathering, I asked Michelle what showed up for her emotionally when she was asked about what we were going to give each other for Christmas. Where she and I went to, were two separate places... and mine was an unhealthy and ultimately an untrue place. Of course, there was nothing wrong with their question. What was wrong was that I was building up stuff inside... and so I shared with Michelle what I was feeling... just to defuse it.

Here’s a few things that I was allowing to build up in me (see if you can see the reoccurring theme): 1) Sheldon (my older brother in North Louisiana) asked if we could come to his house for Christmas dinner, but my first response was that I couldn’t afford the gas to make the trip. 2) My neighbors alluded to all the buying that we would be doing at Christmas, with having a first born son... but we really weren’t planning on spending anything special because he doesn’t know the difference this year anyway. But, “would I feel the same way if we had money to spend?” 3) At Toastmasters, this past Friday, I gave a “Wit & Wisdom” speech about – how to give the most valuable gift, that comes straight from the heart, and doesn’t cost a cent, which is a lot of love, hugs and telling family and partner how much they mean to you. But when it came to my family, I somehow thought that was not “enough”, and that I would be short changing them. 4) ....and after the meeting, one of the members asked me to send out another message that would help us to be relaxed during the holidays. Well, here’s at least what “not doing it” looks like. Does this help? 5) I keep getting a call from the A/C people that were scheduled before Caeden’s birth (2 months ago), to add some larger ductwork in one of the bedrooms that we can’t properly regulate in temperature, and I have to give them the ‘ok’ or ‘not now’... cause I don’t have the money (like I did before the birth costs came in).

So, do you get the theme? This is what I told my wife that I was feeling: ...We don’t have money to spend at Christmas this year, I am frustrated about it, I am still struggling with “getting” that it’s really not about the money spent but the heart in which its given. She looked at me and held my hand, and with tears in her eyes, told me, “I don’t care about your spending money on us... we have been given the greatest gift, his name is Caeden. If you want, give us something you have thought deeply on and created using your own passion, art and made by you... something from your heart. It’s easy to go spend money and not have it come from your heart.” Ah yes... thank you sweetheart... I got it – Finally. Then, I ran out of gas... (and in my head I’m thinking about the danger of getting us hit and what it will cost to fix the vehicle).

So, why did you all get an email with me ranting about our financial condition and what I struggle with? For starters... I tossed and turned all night, thinking about writing an email about what I went through last night, which was no “relaxation at Christmas” for me, and because this also seemed to be the reoccurring theme at our couple’s group – “the struggle in sharing our emotions”. And when I opened my inbox this morning (to start my email), my coach had sent the following email out that seemed to explain why I had to write this one. (Note: Our truest intent is that we “share OUR Journey” as it’s being lived out... that’s it! WE have chosen to step out and into our dream and calling as life coaches and have no regrets for doing so. It has been a personally growing, stretching and surrendered adventure all the way, and this is just a part of it.)

Jim’s email, “Radical Honesty”...
"Growth always -- and only -- moves from the inside out in one's life. Honesty with God, honesty with self, honesty with one's partner and children, honesty with family of origin, honesty with chosen family, honesty in the workplace, honesty with friends, even honesty with casual acquaintances --- is one big, giant, wonderful, courageous ripple effect that will change our lives if we’re willing, and just might change the world if enough of us are willing." ~ Thomas Rutledge, author of "Embracing Fear & Finding the Courage to Own and Truly Live Your Life"

“I know that I create it all in my mind — you, myself, and all the stuff that goes with it. For me, the trick is in the choices, and creation that comes with every little notion. Radical honesty is nothing more than a means of helping me to lift the veil of my opinion and judgment …a tool to help me wake up from this bad dream, so that, at last, I can forgive myself, and consequently all others, and love completely. I am the source of all of that is 'in the way' between me and God.” ~ Leo Burmester (Actor in "The Abyss," "The Devil’s Advocate," & "A Perfect World")

“It's time, my friends, especially that one friend in particular out there who knows exactly who I'm talking to, who so many have been watching carefully and painfully, and who has been experiencing the agonizing pain of a growing awakening to and awareness of the above. We are all here, my friend, ready for the miraculous change to come, wanting to live vicariously through you, to be inspired and uplifted by you, as you struggle through crisis, but you, my friend, hold the key to your life's healing and renewal. You seek the illusion of freedom with your mind, but take the key in your hand and use it, and step through the doorway to the only true freedom there is - the freedom of the truth.

Please be our hero, because we need surrendered heroes (vs. perfect people) among us so badly, to fuel hope in our own lives, and to be a hero you must have created, inflicted, and withstood crisis of just this magnitude, so you are perfectly prepared and staged for the role.” ~ Jim Spivey, Revolution Consulting

Well... I’m not sure if Jim was calling me out (or someone else), and while I wouldn’t call myself a “hero” yet, ...it sure felt like the scene in the Matrix, when Mr. Anderson, “Neo” woke up and noticed a message to him on his computer screen. I am definitely walking through my own extremely RAW experiences openly. And my hope is that all of you know that you are not alone (in whatever you struggle with) and that you don’t have to wear the masks that cover up what is going on inside your heart, like I did, and do so often. Most of the “stuff” that shows up in my journey (after careful consideration, prayer and surrendering it to God - “the Truth”) is actually only “an illusion” that I’ve created by my own fears, which I’m identifying and prying off daily. When I “Get it out”... on paper, in prayer or with my wife or others who love me... I (and you) create a safe place to heal and connect to God, for everyone.

So... this Christmas, be the gift of truth, love, support, healing and a safe place to your loved ones. It really is the gift that doesn’t cost a cent... even though it will cost you everything - because it takes complete surrender to go deep inside your heart, find what is True and give IT away! Hmm... sounds like something someone else has done for us as well... in the “whole” love story of Jesus, who came as a baby.

Merry Christmas...

Dave E. Anderson, Life Coach
www.FreedomLifeConsulting.com