“Broke” Down

Last night at 11:30 PM, the Durango broke down on busy Hwy. 99 (in Houston) - with Michelle, our 8-week-old son Caeden and myself. This vehicle has never broken down... So what the heck? I put it in neutral, worked the gas, but unfortunately it stalled and would not restart. The fuel gauge indicated that I still had 9 miles until empty...so, I couldn’t be out of gas. Here I was stuck in the far right lane of a 3 lane highway, and couldn’t steer it off the road because of the curb that was there. Cars were zooming past us, changing lanes just in time to miss us, but way to close for us to stay here and wait for help. So while Michelle called our friend Gary Rude for help, I lit a flare, put it in the road and pushed the Durango 30-40 yards till Michelle could steer it off the road to a safe place to wait. (Thank you Gary for coming to our rescue) And wouldn’t you know it, it started after putting in some gas... so my “break down” was just me ...running out of gas.

Well, that was the last straw, adding to all the other ways I was running out of gas emotionally and mentally. Ten minutes earlier, when we left from the Rude’s house for our weekly “Wild at Heart Couples” gathering, I asked Michelle what showed up for her emotionally when she was asked about what we were going to give each other for Christmas. Where she and I went to, were two separate places... and mine was an unhealthy and ultimately an untrue place. Of course, there was nothing wrong with their question. What was wrong was that I was building up stuff inside... and so I shared with Michelle what I was feeling... just to defuse it.

Here’s a few things that I was allowing to build up in me (see if you can see the reoccurring theme): 1) Sheldon (my older brother in North Louisiana) asked if we could come to his house for Christmas dinner, but my first response was that I couldn’t afford the gas to make the trip. 2) My neighbors alluded to all the buying that we would be doing at Christmas, with having a first born son... but we really weren’t planning on spending anything special because he doesn’t know the difference this year anyway. But, “would I feel the same way if we had money to spend?” 3) At Toastmasters, this past Friday, I gave a “Wit & Wisdom” speech about – how to give the most valuable gift, that comes straight from the heart, and doesn’t cost a cent, which is a lot of love, hugs and telling family and partner how much they mean to you. But when it came to my family, I somehow thought that was not “enough”, and that I would be short changing them. 4) ....and after the meeting, one of the members asked me to send out another message that would help us to be relaxed during the holidays. Well, here’s at least what “not doing it” looks like. Does this help? 5) I keep getting a call from the A/C people that were scheduled before Caeden’s birth (2 months ago), to add some larger ductwork in one of the bedrooms that we can’t properly regulate in temperature, and I have to give them the ‘ok’ or ‘not now’... cause I don’t have the money (like I did before the birth costs came in).

So, do you get the theme? This is what I told my wife that I was feeling: ...We don’t have money to spend at Christmas this year, I am frustrated about it, I am still struggling with “getting” that it’s really not about the money spent but the heart in which its given. She looked at me and held my hand, and with tears in her eyes, told me, “I don’t care about your spending money on us... we have been given the greatest gift, his name is Caeden. If you want, give us something you have thought deeply on and created using your own passion, art and made by you... something from your heart. It’s easy to go spend money and not have it come from your heart.” Ah yes... thank you sweetheart... I got it – Finally. Then, I ran out of gas... (and in my head I’m thinking about the danger of getting us hit and what it will cost to fix the vehicle).

So, why did you all get an email with me ranting about our financial condition and what I struggle with? For starters... I tossed and turned all night, thinking about writing an email about what I went through last night, which was no “relaxation at Christmas” for me, and because this also seemed to be the reoccurring theme at our couple’s group – “the struggle in sharing our emotions”. And when I opened my inbox this morning (to start my email), my coach had sent the following email out that seemed to explain why I had to write this one. (Note: Our truest intent is that we “share OUR Journey” as it’s being lived out... that’s it! WE have chosen to step out and into our dream and calling as life coaches and have no regrets for doing so. It has been a personally growing, stretching and surrendered adventure all the way, and this is just a part of it.)

Jim’s email, “Radical Honesty”...
"Growth always -- and only -- moves from the inside out in one's life. Honesty with God, honesty with self, honesty with one's partner and children, honesty with family of origin, honesty with chosen family, honesty in the workplace, honesty with friends, even honesty with casual acquaintances --- is one big, giant, wonderful, courageous ripple effect that will change our lives if we’re willing, and just might change the world if enough of us are willing." ~ Thomas Rutledge, author of "Embracing Fear & Finding the Courage to Own and Truly Live Your Life"

“I know that I create it all in my mind — you, myself, and all the stuff that goes with it. For me, the trick is in the choices, and creation that comes with every little notion. Radical honesty is nothing more than a means of helping me to lift the veil of my opinion and judgment …a tool to help me wake up from this bad dream, so that, at last, I can forgive myself, and consequently all others, and love completely. I am the source of all of that is 'in the way' between me and God.” ~ Leo Burmester (Actor in "The Abyss," "The Devil’s Advocate," & "A Perfect World")

“It's time, my friends, especially that one friend in particular out there who knows exactly who I'm talking to, who so many have been watching carefully and painfully, and who has been experiencing the agonizing pain of a growing awakening to and awareness of the above. We are all here, my friend, ready for the miraculous change to come, wanting to live vicariously through you, to be inspired and uplifted by you, as you struggle through crisis, but you, my friend, hold the key to your life's healing and renewal. You seek the illusion of freedom with your mind, but take the key in your hand and use it, and step through the doorway to the only true freedom there is - the freedom of the truth.

Please be our hero, because we need surrendered heroes (vs. perfect people) among us so badly, to fuel hope in our own lives, and to be a hero you must have created, inflicted, and withstood crisis of just this magnitude, so you are perfectly prepared and staged for the role.” ~ Jim Spivey, Revolution Consulting

Well... I’m not sure if Jim was calling me out (or someone else), and while I wouldn’t call myself a “hero” yet, ...it sure felt like the scene in the Matrix, when Mr. Anderson, “Neo” woke up and noticed a message to him on his computer screen. I am definitely walking through my own extremely RAW experiences openly. And my hope is that all of you know that you are not alone (in whatever you struggle with) and that you don’t have to wear the masks that cover up what is going on inside your heart, like I did, and do so often. Most of the “stuff” that shows up in my journey (after careful consideration, prayer and surrendering it to God - “the Truth”) is actually only “an illusion” that I’ve created by my own fears, which I’m identifying and prying off daily. When I “Get it out”... on paper, in prayer or with my wife or others who love me... I (and you) create a safe place to heal and connect to God, for everyone.

So... this Christmas, be the gift of truth, love, support, healing and a safe place to your loved ones. It really is the gift that doesn’t cost a cent... even though it will cost you everything - because it takes complete surrender to go deep inside your heart, find what is True and give IT away! Hmm... sounds like something someone else has done for us as well... in the “whole” love story of Jesus, who came as a baby.

Merry Christmas...

Dave E. Anderson, Life Coach
www.FreedomLifeConsulting.com

HOW LOVE SET ME FREE - My Personal Story

“LOVE sees through and destroys the shame that we use to judge ourselves and others - allowing us to see what is most true and freeing us to love ourselves and others without shame.” ~ Dave E. Anderson, www.FreedomLifeConsulting.com

Today is Michelle and my 2nd Anniversary!! So today, in honor of her and the amazing gift she is to me... I will share a story that has been the foundation of our marriage. Many may have heard this story before... but it deserves another hearing.

Fourteen Days after our first email to each other on Match.com, Michelle’s life coach, Jim Spivey, emailed both of us this question: “What is the one thing you would prefer that the other never finds out about you? ... Now that you're clear on what that one thing is, tell each other.”

WHAT? Tell her THAT? Is he crazy? He doesn’t know my secrets... and shames... and I don’t want her to know mine either...at least not NOW. Can I trust her? Will this be too much? How would anyone stay in a relationship knowing all this about the other... especially this early? Maybe I should wait till I really know if she’s “the one”, ...then tell her.

The reason that this was so hard for me, was because I didn’t truly believe in unconditional love and forgiveness from God or people. And therefore, I didn’t believe that anyone could know ALL about me and still be able to see past the ugly shameful things that I’ve done. I thought: If I couldn’t forgive and see past my own stuff, how could anyone else? Understand something... I preached about unconditional love for years as an ordained minister in a large denomination. And because I didn’t really get God’s love for me, I unconscientiously preached a religious message of “conditional love” through performance, judging, earning forgiveness by being “good enough”, legalism, perfectionism and self-righteously watering down the true message of Love and Grace.

So, the very web of lies I so religiously set up for myself was actually the very thing that was entangling me from openly telling my story. (I’ll give you the brief version, and invite anyone to ask for more details in a more personal conversation)

My story was full of shameful experiences that injured my heart, jaded my perspective, and left me with a lot of secret hang-ups. I had a lust addiction. It started when I was molested as a little boy, by a man in the neighborhood, then became sexually active as a teenager, getting involved in pornography, and attending strip clubs while in Bible College, all leading to a devastating lustful addiction with severe consequences, ...while being an addiction counselor of a ministry in Hawaii. Lust took over my life... and became this overwhelming demon that I felt completely trapped by, hidden behind secrecy. The amazing thing was that no one really knew anything was wrong, because I hid behind my mask of “Super Christian & Pastor” (while overwhelmed by guilt and shame and “I should know better”); all the while struggling because I believed it was not safe to share with anyone.

Anyway, all of this was my, “one thing that I would prefer her never finding out about”, and it was HUGE... and even with all my reasoning, fears and religious filters and beliefs... we took the challenge and had THAT conversation the very next weekend.

Michelle listened, asked questions and unconditionally loved me that day. Her forgiveness of my past and belief in me was MORE HUGE than what I believed she or anyone else could know about me and still love me. SHE SHOWED ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... and GOD SHOWED UP THROUGH HER... and MY RELIGIOUS WEB BEGAN TO CRUMBLE, as I was beginning to understand that I was SET FREE from the shame of the past, AND the past itself! Michelle was the first person ever to hear my story and she loved me bigger than I thought I deserved.

So, Michelle... my best friend... my soul mate... thank you for your amazing love for me! You are the image of “God’s unconditional love”...that continues to amaze me, even in all the crap that still shows up daily, when I forget the truth of who I AM - to you, to God, to myself and my gift to the world.

“Of course, only God can give people the strange desire to know the whole truth about themselves, and the strength and courage to live wide-open, exposed lives before one another. And how does He do it? How does He slip us this bitter pill, coated with intense desire and determination? Fortunately, the pill is also lavishly coated with the mystery we call love, which is the only thing in heaven or on earth, which can shield us from the horror of knowing what we are really like. That, in fact, is what God's love is: it is His armor, an armor of forgiveness and acceptance that we put on over our corruption, an armor of worth or worthiness that completely covers our own worthlessness. ...Only love can drive out the constant threat of condemnation and rejection that otherwise haunts and spoils all experiences of intimacy. ...We must buy others, in a sense, at the cost of ourselves, at the expense of painful self-disclosure and annihilation, just as Jesus bought us through the agonizing and passionate disclosure of the depths of God's love in the sacrifice of His Own body on the Cross.” ~ Mike Mason, The Mystery of Marriage (...quotes Jim sent as the basis of his challenge)

~ Dave E. Anderson, Life Coach
http://www.freedomlifeconsulting.com/Home.html