Raw Living - November 15, 2005

“In order to rest peacefully, sometimes we just have to vomit up what’s not suppose to be there.” ~ Dave Anderson (What my son, Caeden, taught me on day 12 of his life as he slept comfortably on my wife’s shoulder moments after vomiting.)

Today I start a journal that is true of my life’s journey and public for the world to see... even my personal world of friends, family and those I coach. THIS is what I must do to be true to my heart, my calling and my life as it continues to be experienced – told as RAW and in full color. Hold on to your seats... cause this is the open and honest side of me that I have always hidden - for fear of not looking good enough, blaming others for my “crap” (issues), or going against my mask of perfectionism that I wear around people, including myself. I hope you will join me along this journey and give me HONEST feedback... argue with me if that’s what you need to do... ask the personal question of: “Is any personal application for me?” ...or delete the messages and tell me to stop sending them. I am only requesting of YOU to read a few of them... then decide if you would like to keep them coming or not. I hope to hear back from some of you. By the way... I have been saying I wanted to do something like this for more than 18 months... so this is a big day for me.

So, here we go...
Two weekends ago sort of came to a head for me... and something had to give! I faced some ugly feelings that were inside of me that I was ignoring or just acting like they were not there at all, and they were affecting my overall life, perspective and passions as a man, husband, Christian, dad and life coach. I had to get really open and honest about my feelings, and truly listen to my own coaching, to say what’s inside... and quit trying to make my feelings look good or better than they really were.

Over the past few months, I have beat myself up for being so disengaged in some important areas of my life (i.e. my private daily journaling, writing the public “Freedom Life Journals” and life metaphors around my daily experiences and motorcycles, etc.). Feelings were showing up inside of me, like: “What’s wrong with me?”, “Why am I stuck & disengaged?” or “What’s my problem?” among others. They were sapping the very life and purpose out of my heart and leaving me feeling miserable, broken and angry. Hey, I am a life coach – I’m a person that should have it all together, right? But inside I was feeling like a fraud. That’s when on Friday, 10/28/05 my coach, Jim Spivey, came over to visit and meet our 1st born son. (Caeden Jonathan Anderson, who was born Oct. 18, 2005 at 8:43 PM, weighing in at 9 lb. 5 oz.!)

In our conversation some key issues and attitudes of judgment and control, frustration and inner anger became our topic of discussion (not “outer anger”, that would be too HONEST of me). Jim called me on my half-hearted nods of “I get it”. I was listening... but not ready yet to really hear him, but instead, I was going to a place of “I don’t feel like THAT”, hiding, blaming others, and running from owning my true feelings. (Thank you Jim... for loving me enough to take me to the true feelings you saw in me that I needed to face...so I could get them out and see more than what I saw.)

Sunday afternoon, I took my journal and headed off to a neighborhood lake, a quiet place near my house to get really honest with myself and how I felt. It was time for God and I to hash it all out.

Here are some exerts from the lake that Sunday:

“God, what have I forgotten or missing that makes me feel so locked up and NOT feeling free to live the way I know I was meant to live? What’s going on inside of me? What do I genuinely feel right now? (Here’s what came gushing out... Raw but honest): I feel lost, behind, in too much debt, afraid, overwhelmed, loaded down, frustrated, not in a good place, weak, empty, broken, quieted, forsaken, cheated, a fraud, not enough, alone, inadequate, judgmental, selfish, drained, hurting, attacked, human, missing it, mad, angry, repressed, stuck, clipped of my wings, and tired. Ok, the dirty and un-pure water is flushing out, now the clean can flow. (I picture an old rusty water faucet being pried open after years of not being used - rust and dirty water oozing out).

So God, as I sit and listen to you, my heart, my amazing wife and son, my coach, this ministry/calling in its own infancy state, I also feel: Loved, remembered, empowered, awakened, (Now the rusty water was starting to clear up and it become fresh, drinkable and unlimited in supply), birthed, growing, a visionary, stable, hungry, engaged, preparing, ready, fulfilled, helpful to others, strong, a fighter, powerful, able, more than enough, insightful, focused, promised, on track, not alone, surrendered, afraid of only ‘not trying’, pressed but not overwhelmed, pulling through, coming out of debt, getting it, strong, full of life and God’s message, shaken to pieces to be rebuilt, loudly expressed, not forsaken, among a team, learning new attitudes, the real thing, adequate, owning my own life without blame, giving and not taking, being restored, hurting but healing, not a victim, releasing my anger, open and speaking the truth of my feelings without fear, pulling out of being stuck, flinging high, strengthened, and tapped into my source of life - God!”

At this time, I heard the heart of God, my wife and the voice of my coach (Jim) telling me to “write about your experience of feeling stuck about writing”. Even though this scares the crap out of me, I will write about this process, and how it doesn’t have to be a perfect “product”, for it to be read. I will also share my struggles along the way in this journey of surrender (in real time), and because it’s a process... it’s ok to look messy along the way. That, I’m learning from my 12-day-old son (at the initial writing of this & whose story I’ll tell in the near future). In fact, that’s the most honest subject I can write about: The honest true life of a person, who is a husband, dad, brother, son, friend, follower of Christ and a life coach. So, while most people put out their best stuff, you will hear the honest, unpolished, sometimes ugly, yet beautifully growing side of Dave Anderson and my experience of being me... discovering the authentic me!

~ Dave Anderson,
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